Valentines Day

The 14th February comes around quickly every year and we are all focused on how to express our love the best and in such a way that shows how we really feel about the one we love.  It is a dangerous road to navigate - do to little and you obviously don’t love me enough – do too much and maybe you are over compensating – can you ever get it right!

Honestly I don’t know – what I should be telling you is to purchase one of our hampers which will get your love in balance perfectly!  I have a different story on love and what Valentines Day means to us.

7 years ago today I woke early in the morning with the knowledge that I had reached the 12 week mark of pregnancy and I could breath a little easier.

We had family staying over and we had such a lovely time with them showing our amazing region off - dinner, beach, cafes all the fun a family could have.  Later in the afternoon our family left for their drive home and we settled in as a family for the week ahead.  Dinner cooked, lunches packed and two girls in bed tucked up for the night.

It was only now that I knew the low pains I was having were not right.  They had been niggling for a couple of hours but I had ignored it.  Then our world fell apart.

It was clear something was wrong – I spoke with my doctor and he told me to take some pain relief and see if that helped and lie down with my feet up.

As the hours ticked by I knew what was happening even if my beautiful husband tried to remain the positive person he is by telling me that everything would be ok.  Mums know.

We made it to the hospital very early in the morning and during an ultrasound were told the heartbreaking news.

I don’t need to go into details about what happened next as we all know the outcome but it is what happens after that is often the hardest part.

The hardest thing was breaking the news to people – we were at 12 weeks everything should have been ok – our beautiful eldest daughter was old enough to understand and her world rocked and our parents as well – life isn’t easy especially when you break the hearts of the people you love.

We went through the motions and in fact for the first couple of weeks I faked the pain I was feeling in my heart in the hope it would make my loved ones feel better.

It is funny that during this stage there were many people that were not supportive, were incredibly negative and couldn’t understand why I, or my husband would be so upset.  They knew best, their journey was worse, they had been through worse, they knew how I should react, behave or just be – they had no idea and still don’t.

I navigated in darkness for 6 weeks not wanting to feel or speak – not that anyone noticed because to the outside world I was amazing and strong.  I was broken and empty and felt like a failure.

It was at the six week mark of reaching rock bottom and couldn’t speak that I finally picked up the phone and spoke with someone.  It didn’t fix everything but I know that it stopped me from not wanting to be here anymore.

I have had many people during and after say “think how lucky you are you have two beautiful children” – guess what they are right and will always be right and everyday I do know how lucky I am but my arms were empty and I was lost.

Somehow we lived a life for 12 months as a family and tried to have another baby but as the anniversary approached my world became so much darker and I struggled to see the light.  It was just after the anniversary that my world fell apart and I finally stopped worrying about how everyone else was and focused on myself.

It took six months to get me back on track – I worked, I was a mum, I was a wife, I was a daughter, I was a friend through all of it – but in the end I had to stop so I could find out who I was.

6 years on from this dark time and although we were never able to have our ‘Rainbow Baby’ what we have is our beautiful family and loved ones.

We have learnt many things along the way but the most important one is to love.  Not to fear what has happened but to embrace it and understand that this is what makes us the parents and people we are today.

So this Valentines Day I say to all of you remember why you love and if you need to express it in a gift that is perfect but if words are your way then try that because sometimes words or just being there for someone can just be as important.

Happy Valentines Day xx

Gorgeous Charlotte

Gorgeous Charlotte

Beautiful Emma 

Beautiful Emma 

James,  AND myself x

James,  AND myself x